Why Giving Advice to Others is Easier than Taking It Ourselves
And The Problem With Objectively Observing Others While Critically Judging Ourselves
Recall the last time a good friend or colleague was having a tough time and how easy it was to offer practical, actionable advice. How appreciative they were for you to take the time to listen and help them get to a better place. And how great it felt to help another feel better.
Why is it that we can find it so easy to help another in need?
The reason is a simple one—something we can practice—but it is not obvious how to apply it to our daily lives. We have an ability to objectively observe other’s situations and an ability to see them in a better place. Without asking them where they want to be, we have an innate ability to paint a picture of where we believe they could be. We share this better destination with them through our energetic compassion and support until they can see it themselves. Our synergistic energy is contagious.
Then why is it so difficult to help ourselves feel better in times of our greatest need?
We tend to think about—focus on—where we are, how bad it is, how we got here, and what we did to contribute to this situation. Also, who else is affected and how much of it is our responsibility to fix? We add narrative to support our assessment of our role (e.g., it’s my childhood, it’s my lack of education, it’s my triggers). If we’re not careful, we can take 100% of the responsibility for the situation and not allow others to participate in solving the challenge.
Completely Focusing on Where We Are
“Don’t look at the wall,” Mario Andretti advised, “your car goes where your eyes go.” Regarded as one of the greatest race car drivers of all time, his advice came from experiencing speeds of 200 mph.
However, for most of us who only drive in regular traffic, even a relatively minor collision can cause upset and confusion about how to get home and how to explain the damage to others. The “wall” represents our current situation and the “car” is our life—so it’s absolutely essential to focus not on where we are, but where we want to be.
What if we could practice the compassion we observe with others—for ourselves?
If we can pause to ask ourselves two key real questions, we can acknowledge the wall and focus on our desired destination:
- Where am I? (on a scale of 1-10; low to high)
- Where do I want to be? (on the same scale)
Then we can learn to objectively observe our position in any difficult situation and extend to ourselves the same energetic compassion we offer to others.
Viktor Frankl wrote, “Between stimulus and response there is a space. In that space is our power to choose our response. In our response lies our growth and our freedom.” Instead of immediately reacting to a situation, remembering to ask the two questions above creates a space in which to slow down and an opportunity to more completely observe our situation.
Slowing Down to Observe
Creating a calm space (that might once have become a crash scene) allows us to ask ourselves important questions that can ground us and provide more insight about
our best destination.
- Who else is involved in the situation?
(Draw a triangle. You are at the top; place another person involved on the bottom left; lastly,
place another involved, or an event, on the bottom right of the triangle.)
- What are a few of your core values and how do you practice them?
(Leave this situation for a moment. Write down a few practices that you know, without doubt,
can center you (e.g., meditation, walking in nature, reading a good book). Next, write the name
of the value each of these practices represents (e.g., family, spirit, health).
- What resources are available to you that you can call on or count on to improve the situation?
(Are there others that could provide objective guidance, who might have experienced
something similar?)
Now you’re ready to consider where you want your car—life—to go. You are ready to consider your best response to this challenging situation.
Navigating to Your Best Next Step
This is the fun part, where you get to put the pedal to the metal. You have paused to objectively observe your situation and inventoried:
- Who else is involved
- Where I am and want to be
- What values and practices center you
- What resources can you count on and call on
Now you are ready to consider what thoughts or plans you have that could move you closer to where you want to be. Write them down without censoring or judging their effectiveness. Think of this as a brainstorming session with yourself and your Internal Observer.
Because there is a part of your brain—the Internal Observer—that knows your entire narrative including your internal and external resources, that has your best interest at heart, and can provide insight into the Best Next Steps for you.
Enjoy hearing and taking your own advice.
Click to learn more about your Internal Observer