“I should” and “I am supposed to …” Thinking
How expectations can trap our thinking brain
We’ve all had times in life when our inner voice starts a thought that “I should …” or “I am supposed to …” The sense of obligation to meet others’ expectations can be overwhelming.
Acting on our own positive beliefs reinforced our values; however not complying with this a sense of duty can create consternation, anxiety, and stress in our daily lives.
Consider the next few narratives and take note if any component resonates. Have you heard of a backstory similar to any of them? If you tweak a line or character here or there, does it resemble a story you can relate to? Do you have a story of your own?
A young adult who is a serious student, develops strong friendships, and volunteers in the community, goes on to college and then secures a good job in an area of interest. Their future seems quite promising and their persistent efforts are being rewarded appropriately. However, a close family member then experiences an unexpected tragedy. This young adult feels an overwhelming obligation to interrupt their own plans completely to come to the rescue of that family member, even though it is unclear if any of their efforts will have a positive outcome.
A working couple with children are both doing the best they can to “make ends meet,” balance individual work responsibilities and the needs of growing children that never seem to tire, leaving little to no time to attend to each other’s needs. Time passes with each playing their respective part as years go by and the children become more independent. Eventually, Each partner finds that they are feeling increasingly distant from the other. Communication is not effective and planning becomes exclusively based on individual needs.
A small company spends its early entrepreneurial years just trying to survive. Through years of persistence and shear grit they succeed in becoming a sustainable, midsize company, balancing profits with expanding costs and staff. More time passes and the company starts to grow by acquiring other small companies; this organic growth continues and the shareholders are pleased. One day management notices that all these disparate acquired companies came with their own cultures and ways of doing things, and no one seems to be concerned about a common plan.
What should happen next?
((Now pause for a moment and consider where do these expectations of ourselves come from?))
The narratives that we have shared are intentionally outside of relationships that have clear roles and responsibilities: parent-child, employer-employee, doctor-patient. These particular narratives share a subjective and powerful component: expectations.
Not only expectations of others, but especially expectations of oneself.
With regard to others’ expectations within a family: Bitterly unhappy marriage partners might be expected by other family members to “always stay together for the sake of the children.” Similarly, when a family member has dangerously abused alcohol or drugs, relatives may experience pressure to “keep quiet about it” to avoid experiencing shame.
In a business setting: When a manager’s direction is not in alignment with company values or is obviously self-serving, coworkers can feel tremendous pressure to protect the manager and themselves by not taking steps to address those issues openly.
Expectations of self can be even more debilitating than expectations of others—the “shoulda, woulda, coulda’s” of life can have us beating ourselves up much more severely than anyone else would. Our internal critics’ ability to shame and blame ourselves can leave us feeling terribly vulnerable, so down on ourselves that nothing anyone else says can console us.
Managing intense emotional reactions is especially important when the issues are very serious and it’s essential to decide what best next steps to take.
We advocate slowing down to observe the situation from a different vantage point and to ask these key questions:
- Who else, besides me, is involved?
- Where am I? (on a Scale of 1-10: confused/puzzled to certain/calm)
- Where do I want to be? (on same Scale of 1-10)
- What is driving potential options: other’s expectations or my values?
- What resources are available to assist?
- Do I have enough emotional energy to use those resources effectively?
Can you feel your curiosity building about how to resolve this situation in the most effective way?